The Mother's Influence On Her Children

The most prevailing influence anything can have on the child is the influence of the mother.

Hence the mother is required to develop virtuous morals and character. We should not underplay any action of the child even if it seems trivial. We should be well conscious of our child's activities within the home and beyond as well. However, the child should not be aware that he/she is under surveilance, as this would hamper his/her natural development and he/she will not be able to come out of himself/herself.

Similarly, when we see something in our child's possession that was not given by us (the parents) or any other relative, we ought to make sure that we dwelve into the source of that item. Some parents wholly believe their children when they claim they found it on the road or obtained it from a friend. The parents avoid the trouble of making further enquiries and consider their duty done. Whereas it is a natural instinct that if a child, Allah Ta'ala forbid, stole an item, then he/she is bound to make such false claims to protect himself/herself from humiliation. It is also natural that when the child realises that his parent or guardian is not very meticulous about his/her inquiries, then the child is bound to plummet further into a life of criminality.

Worse than this is when the child is assisted or encouraged by the parent to engage in theft. Undoubtedly the child will become more entrenched in this crime and he is bound to be entangled in a life of vice and criminality.

A Muslim court once handed down sentence to a thief.

As his hand was about to be amputated, he ragingly addressed the people around him saying:

"Before you amputate my hand, amputate my mother's tongue. When I stole an egg the very first time in my life from my neighbour's house, my mother failed to admonish me. She didn't even ask me to return the egg to the neighbour. In fact, she started chirping in happiness and said: 'I praise the Almighty that today my son has turned out to be a perfect man'. If my mother didn't have such a twittering tongue, I wouldn't have been a criminal of society today."

An incident pertaining to this topic is narrated in the books of Hadith.

One night, Saiyidina Umar ibn Al-Khattab RA was on his usual rounds around Madinah when he came across a house and overheard the following conversation:

"Daughter! Add on a bit of water to the milk."

On hearing more closely, he realised that mother and daughter are engaged in a dispute over diluting the milk with water.

Upon the mother asking the daughter to add water, the daughter replied:

"This is an offense. The Caliph has vehemently forbade such an action."

The mother countered:

"Where will the Caliph be able to see us here?"

The daughter then offered a startling response, whereby she responded:

"Then where is Allah? (i.e. Allah is watching us.)"

On hearing this reply, Saiyidina Umar RA was extremeley pleased. The Caliph RA returned home, went up to his son 'Aasim RA and asked him to marry this girl. 'Aasim RA subsequently married her. From the progeny of this union the great personality of Umar bin Abdul Aziz RA was born – a personality whose achievements can never be forgotten by the Islamic world.

On the basis of the aforementioned points we merely wish to drive home the fact that a mother has dynamic influence over the child. If the mother is pious, then the child will also be inclined to piety; and if the mother has mean habits or evil character, then these will surely be conveyed to the child too.

How wonderfully a poet puts it:

"The grass that grows in the orchard is very different to the grass that grows in the jungle."

What hope of excellence can we entertain from children suckled by deficient women ?

The Sahabah RA and the Tabi'in RA who were holders of exceptional virtues, inherited these virtues from their mothers. Let us mention a few of them here:

1. Zubair bin Awwam RA is highly indebted to his mother - Safiyyah binti Abdul Muttalib RA. She was responsible for moulding his character and morals.

2. Abdullah RA, Munzir RA and Urwah RA - all the sons of Zubair bin Awwam RA were the harvest of the seeds planted by their mother - Asma binti Abu Bakr RA. Each one of them turned out to be a distinctive model of perfection.

3. Saiydina Ali ibn Abi Talib RA was trained with outstanding morals and wisdom at the hands of his mother - Fatimah binti Asad.

4. Abdullah bin Ja'far RA, the most charitable soul of the Arabs and the most moralistic of the youth was also brought up by his mother - Asma binti Umais RA. She shaped him on the outstanding morals and character she herself possessed.

5. Mu'awiyah RA inherited from his mother Hindah RA certain skills and talents which he was unable to acquire from his father. When Hindah, his mother, observed his intellectual capabilities during his childhood and someone said to her that this child will become a leader of his people, she confidently replied: "May I cry over him (in other words, may he die) if he fails to become a leader."

As far as division of responsibility is concerned, Islam has placed the bulk of the responsibility of rearing the children on the shoulders of their parents. They are required to rear the children in such a manner that they become proficient in conducting their own responsibilities of life.

So if we want our children to develop the attributes of these personalities, then both - husband and wife - as the father and as the mother - are required to cast our lives in a profile of religiousness, piety and good morals. Let us be uncompromising and all-out motivated in our endeavours; and together with our plans and strategies, we must ensure that we make sincere Du'as to Allah for our children and ourselves as well.

Practical Tips for Parenting Young Children

Based on the advise of Sister A'ishah Hamdan

Parents of young children (pre-school age) should have few expectations in terms of behavior and acquisition of knowledge due to the cognitive limitations at this age. This does not mean that children should be allowed to run about and do as they please; they still require guidelines and boundaries. What it does mean is that care should be taken regarding the methods that are used to raise children and the values that are instilled from the very beginning. It is interesting to note that the Arabic term - "Tarbiyah", which is often used to mean teaching or training - generally refers to growth, increase, nourishment, and cultivation. This relates to the physical, intellectual, emotional, psychological, and spiritual aspects of an individual. When thinking of growth and cultivation, this implies that something has already been planned or is already present as Fitrah (natural presence).

Tarbiyah then refers to the various methods that are used to watch over and attend to a child until he or she becomes prepared to take responsibility and behave in complete submission to and worship of Allah SWT. The following suggestions are techniques that may be used for tarbiyah for early childhood.


Play, Play, Play

Play should be the primary emphasis during this time in a child's life since this is the means through which they gain an understanding of the world around them. Pretend or imaginative play is the most common type of play during this stage and this directly impacts cognitive, social, and psychological development.

Children will often mimic or imitate the behavior of adults or other children around them in their play, which is their way of preparing for their particular roles in life. Girls will most often imitate their mother; while boys will follow in the footsteps of their father. We see girls usually playing with dolls, dressing and feeding them and boys usually in a more rough-and-tumble physical types of play. These gender roles develop at an early age and are a natural part of Allah's plan for the different responsibilities assigned for men and women. These and other types of play should be encouraged and fostered in young children.


Prevention

The saying "Prevention is the best medicine" is true not only in the medical field, but also within psychology. There are many steps that parents can take to prevent misbehavior and avoid the disruption that their children may cause within the family.

First of all, children need predictability, structure, and guidelines because this gives them a sense of security and a feeling that there is order in the world. When this is present they are less likely to feel anxious or stressed which, in turn, will decrease the likelihood of inappropriate behavior. Children will sometimes act chaotic if they are in a chaotic environment.

Secondly, probably the most common reason for misbehavior of children is that they want to gain attention from their parents or other adults. A defining feature of being human is the need for social contact, approval, and attcntion that is already present at birth. When parents fulfil this need adequately, a child will feel content and be more likely to engage in solitary play. If a child is not able to obtain attention through positive behavior, he or she may want to utilise negative behavior for this purpose. To prevent this, Parents can fulfill this need by spending quality time with their child; for example by talking, playing, reading, enjoying nature, and much more related activities with their children. It is worth reminding and emphasising here that quality is often more important than quantity.


Rewarding Positive Behavior

The concept of rewards and punishments is an integral part of Islamic Aqidah as there are natural consequences for each of our actions. This same wisdom can be applied to the area of parenting.

The Messenger of Allah SAW once said in a Hadith Qudsi (Divine Hadith) - that Allah SWT says:

"Allah has written down the good deeds and the bad ones. Then He explained it (by saying that) he who has intended a good deed and has not done it, Allah writes it down with Himself as a full good deed; but if he has intended it and has done it, Allah writes it down with Himself as from ten good deeds to seven hundred times, or many times over. But if he has intended a bad deed and has not done it, Allah writes it down with Himself as a full good deed, but if he has intended it and has done it, Allah writes it down as one bad deed." (Bukhari & Muslim)

from the above Hadith Qudsi, we can see Allah's Mercy to his bondsmen and this should be reflected in the Tarbiyah committed by parents as well. Rewards are effective in not only increasing the occurrence of positive behavior, but also in decreasing negative behavior and increasing a child's self-esteem. The most effective rewards for children are those that are the easiest to give: praise, encouragement, hugs, thank yous, etc.


Ignoring Misbehavior

Many of the inappropriate behaviors of young children can simply be ignored or disregarded.

The Prophet Muhammad SAW is our best example in this regard.

Anas bin Malik RA said:

"The Messenger of Allah SAW, had the best disposition among people. One day he sent me on an errand and I said, 'By Allah, I will not go,' but it was in my mind that I would do as the Messenger of Allah had ordered me. I went until I came upon children playing in the street. Then the Messenger of Allah SAW arrived and he caught me by the back of my neck from behind. As I looked at him, I found him (SAW) smiling, and he (SAW) said, 'Unays (Anas' bin Malik's nickname), did you go where I asked you to go?' I said, 'O Messenger of Allah, yes, I am going.' "

Anas RA said further:

"I served him (SAW) for nine years, but I do not know that he ever said to me about anything I did, why I did that, or about anything I had neglected, why I had not done that." (Muslim)

We may want to compare this to how we react to or interact with our own children. For young children, in particular, it is really counterproductive to berate, question, and reprimand when they really have little understanding as to why they acted in a certain way. Simply ignoring the behavior may be the most appropriate response. Another related technique is to redirect the child to something else in the environment to draw attention away from the undesirable.

It is important to realise that within these general guidelines there are about as many ways to parent as there are parents. Parents need to take into consideration the unique personalities, dispositions, and gifts of each child when deciding upon a particular approach. What may work with one child may not necessarily be effective with another.

It is also imperative to remember that our children are one of the greatest tests that we have from Allah SWT, and we need to continually ask from Allah SWT for assistance and guidance for ourselves and our children. This is the most effective and powerful tool for Tarbiyah.

Allah SWT says in the Qur'an:

"When My servants ask you (Muhammad) concerning Me, I am indeed near. I respond to the prayer of every supplicant when he calls on Me. Let them also, with a will, listen to My call and believe in Me, that they may walk in the right way." (Surah Al-Baqarah: Ayat 186)

Your Mother

All praise is for Allah and peace and blessings be upon the Prophet Muhammed SAW.

After Allah and His Messenger, the most beloved and respected person to any Muslim should be his Mother.

Allah has given the mother such status that Rasulullah SAW says: (mafhum)

"Paradise lies under the feet of mothers."

Obedience and respect towards your mother is a very important duty in Islam and is similar to performing Solat and keeping fast. To hurt your mother in any way is the second biggest sin and those who commit this evil sin will be harshly punished by Allah in the Hereafter or maybe even in this world.

WHY?

Your mother is not a Prophet, nor is she an angel. She is just a human being like you. So why has Allah ordered you to be obedient towards your mother, and why does your mother have such a high status in Islam?

Allah loves and cares for us more than anybody else, and he especially loves those people who love and care for others. Similarly, Allah's Wrath fall upon those people who hurt other people in any way. Allah the All-Knowing, knows that in this world nobody is more loving and caring towards another person than the way that a mother is towards her child. Only Allah and Rasulullah SAW love you more than your mother!

Only Allah knows what your mother does for you. Allah sees your mother feeling pain whilst she tries to give you whatever you want. Allah sees your mother’s love and kindness. Pleased by your mother's actions, Allah has given her a very high status and many virtues and rewards. Allah also sees that many of us are not thankful to our mothers. Allah sees many of us being disobedient towards our mothers.

Therefore, Allah has ordered us to be good towards our mothers. Allah has not advised us; but Allah has ordered us! We have no choice; therefore we have to be good towards our mothers.

To encourage us to do this, Allah has promised Paradise for those of us who are obedient towards our mothers.

At the same time, Allah has threatened to severely punish those of us who do not listen to our mothers, or hurt them in any way.

But what does your mother do for you?

She only cooks and cleans?

What - just that ???

So why do you need to be thankful to your Mother?

Apart from Allah, nobody knows what our mother really does for us.

TEN REASONS FOR BEING THANKFUL TO YOUR MOTHER:

1. Your mother carried you in her womb for nine months bearing pain upon pain.

2. During this time, she could not eat nor sleep - because of you.

3. When you were a baby, and then a child, she spent every minute of her life looking after you.

4. She only slept when you slept.; she only ate after you had eaten.

5. She was patient and loved you even when you cried all night; when you cried all day.

6. She taught you how to walk; how to speak; how to eat; how to live.

7. When you fall ill, she looks after you.

8. She always cooks and prepares food for you.

9. She buys you the things you ask for.

10. She will always love you, no matter what you do.


These are just a few things that our mothers do for us. They do so much more ; more things we do not know about. And one thing that your Mother does for you, that nobody else in the world does, is that she worries about you from the bottom of her heart.


SO WHAT ARE THE THINGS SHE WORRIES ABOUT?

1. She worries about your food.

2. She worries about your clothes.

3. She worries about your health.

4. She worries about your education.

5. She worries about your future.

6. She worries about your whole life.

Allah has ordered us, in various places of the Holy Qur'an, to be good to our mothers. Allah has told us to look after them even more when they are old and weak. Allah has taught us to be gentle to our mothers and speak to them in a nice manner.

Allah has also told us to supplicate to Him for our mothers with this prayer:

"Rabbir-Hamhuma Kama Rabbayani Sagheerah."

("My Lord - have Mercy upon my parents; the way they had Mercy upon me when I was young.")

The Prophet Muhammad SAW has also ordered us to be good to our mothers. The Prophet SAW has told us about the great rewards for that person who is good to his mother. He (SAW) has described the mother as being a 'Door of Paradise'.

Rasulullah SAW has also warned us of severe punishments for that person who is disobedient to his mother.


TEN EASY WAYS TO ENTER PARADISE

1. Listen to your mother.

2. Help your mother.

3. Smile at your mother.

4. Be thankful to your mother for whatever she does for you.

5. Spend time with your mother.

6. Always ask your mother if you can help her with anything.

7. Buy your mother gifts.

8. Be good to your mother's family and friends.

9. Lead a good and exemplary life so that your mother is happy.

10. Always make du'a for your mother, especially after every Solat.

THOSE WHO ARE DISOBEDIENT TO THEIR MOTHER WILL BURN IN THE FIRE OF JAHANNAM

However hard we try, we can never repay our mothers for what they have done for us; but we can at least do as much as we can, and also ask Allah to repay them for us. Our mothers are indeed a great blessing from Allah. We should greatly appreciate and value this blessing.

Whilst our mothers are alive, we have a golden opportunity to guarantee ourselves Paradise and also success in this world.

We will only truly realise the value and status of our mothers when they are no longer with us.